I'm a lousy Buddhist, I know. Been sniffing around the edges of Buddhist thought for thirty years and cant remember the Five This-es or the Twelve Thats or the Eight Something Elses. No matter how inadequate other people's recitations of the various enumerations make me feel -- no matter how many stern lectures I give myself or promises I make -- it just doesn't happen.

So I scouted websites with Nichiren content, looking for a little help.

This was when I still had to double-check the pamphlet the Japanese people gave me to see if it was "Nichiren" or "Nicherin." The blue-streak pronunciation by the Japanese people didn't help reveal the difference. I had a similar bout with "Bhudda" and "Buddha" a long time ago.

The pamphlets are sweet and encouraging, but they'll only take you so far. Besides, when you first get started with Nichiren stuff, there's a whole lot of Japanese language to deal with.

So I found a couple of sites with e-mail lists that seemed kind of Gringo-oriented, and tuned in. Then tuned back out again on account of the yelling and screaming. Well, not real yelling and screaming, but the e-mail equivalent. Allegations. Threats. Charges and countercharges. Slandering the Lotus Sutra. Avici hell for the losers. No wonder you see these lists referred to as "Samurai" forums, on account of the implicit violence.

By the way, how does one "slander" a sutra? Is it actionable at law?

Since the meaning of "slandering the Sutra" doesn't jump right out at you, you might think, well, if this expression makes sense in some context, it probably captures a fairly limited set of behaviors.

No, by golly. Turns out "slandering" pretty much takes into account all speech, thought and conduct that fall outside of what the Samurai folks regard as "Nichiren's True Buddhism" -- and friends, that covers a good deal of territory -- everything from what color of candles are on your altar to distinguishing the provisional teachings to shakubuku, a method of disseminating the Lotus Sutra involving the use of giant taiko drumsticks.

Then there's that whole business of whether to "u" or not to "u."

So anyway, I felt bad. I asked myself, "Who are you to pretend you're so mellow and don't yell or get angry?" I lectured myself: "These are real people who've invested a lot in their practices and have developed very strong ideas and even sophisticated thinking about matters that mean a great deal to them."

So I said OK and went back to the sites for a while, then let them alone again on account of the screaming and yelling -- except for one whose prime directive is "no screaming or yelling."

Hardly anyone posts much on that list, so it's a lot easier to keep up with the e-mails.

I have tea with the Japanese people after Sunday service: tea, and snacks wrapped just so in that delicate, beautifully lettered wrapping they use on crackers and candy.

No yelling.

Believe me, the Japanese people wouldn't yell if a whole gaggle of slanderers came in and jumped up and down yelling "shakubuku!" or what-have-you.

We talk about weather and various places we have been to -- but almost never about Buddhism. Sometimes I almost bring up a darmha -- I mean, dharma -- question, but I sense that the response would be, "Didn't we just do that? Chanting and so forth? Take it easy on the Buddhism. Have another rice cracker."

No question, the snacks are first-rate.

So I got to thinking maybe it's an Internet thing. Maybe there's something about computers, similar to what TV has done, inuring people to virtual activity so that when they go to a play or a movie they think it's okay to let their phones ring and belch and fart and talk to their neighbor. So with computers maybe the dynamic is similar, but instead of belching, etc., folks get all riled up and push "Send" before the proper moment arrives, if ever.

It could be we're having trouble transitioning from the sort-of-real to the really real.

I'm almost positive there's a Buddhist explanation for the Internet Anger Phenomenon, a past-life story or an aphorism or something that would straighten it all out, an explanation and a solution all in one.

But from the few teachings and little lore I've managed to hang on to, nothing special leaps out. I confess I haven't hung onto much -- but, then, we're talking about more teachings than grains of sand in one of your major river systems, so it's a daunting task even to get started.

The Japanese people are teaching my nine-year-old daughter to memorize archaic Sino-Japanese renditions of the Two Big Chapters of the Lotus Sutra. Reciting means from memory, y'know.

My wife laughs and laughs when I suggest I might need to memorize eight or nine pages of archaic Sino-Japanese syllables. "You cant even remember the Eight Something-Elses," she says. "I don't see this happening."

Well, maybe not in this lifetime. If they had headlines for this sort of thing, mine would say, "Lousy Buddhist Gets Even Worse."

"So, how's your practice going? Mine stinks. Cant even remember the damn syllables. Getting worse."

A while back I thought about posting this memorization issue on one of the Samurai Internet lists to see what the aggressive ones thought about it. But then I thought better. Be like pulling out a squirt gun in front of a swat team. Be like leaking blood amongst the circling fins. Want to do something stupid, visit Vegas -- at least have some fun.

There's a great fire there on the Samurai sites, a longing so deep it almost breaks your heart, an aching for clarity and truth.

People want to get other people on board, smooth out all the differences, find the comprehensive explanation. Maybe it's string theory. Maybe it's Quantum hiccups. Maybe it's harkening back to the first minute of the first dawn of human consciousness that objectified the world for the first time and made it real. Maybe it's True Buddhism Du Jour.

People want to get it all straightened out. Me too. I don't need a whack upside the head with a taiko stick to see I'm on the same path, trying to figure out this screaming and yelling, trying to see if there's some kind of way to smooth things over with those noisy Buddhists and get everything all straightened out.

I might be a lousy Buddhist, but two-minutes' reflection and I get a real clear bulletin: It's not gonna happen. You can tie Stephen Hawking and the Dalai Lama together at the ankles, put them in a small room with some pencils and paper and say, "Please figure it out, guys. Knock if you need more paper."

But just as soon as that comprehensive solution gets formulated, soon as everybody gets on board with some kinda "True Buddhism," there will emerge an incomprehensible bulge somewhere else in the great big giant balloon.

And, anyway, even if there's no bulge...

...Big ol' comprehensive solution's going to have way too many parts for me to remember.