Why do we so often hurt those we love deeply?

After nearly 34 years of chanting, I suppose this is the question I ponder the most. I have studied and tried to understand karma, I believe in the eternity of a life that transmutes through an infinity of appearances growing and evolving each step of the way. And I have, since November of 1968, never failed to raise my hands in reverence and regard each morning and each evening to place myself in the light that emanates from the very heart of the Universe.

Yet, after all this, I am left with the question that has me looking at me and asking, "Why do I so often hurt the people I love the most?" And, although I'm sure that some psychotherapist -- or even just a good friend -- would probably be able to give me the verbal answer, even with deep feeling and compassion the words just somehow don't resonate within my soul to the extent that the answer becomes clear.

Ah well. In Buddhism and in the phenomenal world, the most important thing is the time.

So, as I personally ponder the answer to this (perhaps last) big question of mine, I should take the time to introduce myself. My name is Cris Roman. I am 54 years old and living in the, as James Taylor (my musical mentor) would say, "great state of Maine." Because this is appearing on a web site by the name of "BuddhaJones," I must assume that many of you reading this may be Buddhist.

I should, therefore, give you my pedigree. I joined the religion of Nichiren Shoshu in 1968 under the auspices of a lay organization called the Soka Gakkai. Actually, in America it was called NSA -- Nichiren Shoshu of America. This relationship was kind of like the Catholic Church and the Knights of Columbus. I know, I knowfor those of you who are not familiar with this Japanese Buddhist sect, the Asian names just drive you crazy. Hell, my father went to his grave continuing to refer to my religion as "Nitrogen Snowshoes."

Anyway, I am not going to bore you at length with all that has happened over the past 34 years. I'll save that for my book, which you may see published in these pages over the ensuing months.

What I will tell you is that from 1968 through 1983, I practiced avidly within the ranks of NSA. In those days it was, to use a modern-day euphemism, 24/7. I became a top leader in the Washington, D.C. area where I joined.

I then spent a total of three years in Japan working at the Soka Gakkai under the tutelage of a gentleman named Daisaku Ikeda and his international publications staff. I was hired by NSA (now known as the SGI-USA or Soka Gakkai International of the United States of Americatry saying that and chewing gum at the same time) -- to work in its Los Angeles publication department. I wrote for its newspaper, the World Tribune, and was even Managing Editor of a magazine named The NSA Quarterly. Concurrently, I served as one of the top Americans on the NSA Study Bureau. I even worked together with priests and laity to help translate some profound Buddhist writings known as Gosho into English. Ahhh, those were heady times.

But, most of all, I think I helped a few people and did some good work. At least, I grew to love writing. Nevertheless, 1983 rolled around and circumstances led me to believe that I had to join the real world. I could not be a religious fanatic my whole life. A very wise priest told me, "You must do as Nichiren did. He went into the midst of society, unknown to anyone, and showed actual proof -- through his works."

Nichiren Daishonin is the 13th Century Japanese monk who stands as the originating point of the Nichiren Shoshu sect, along with many other Nichiren sects. I regard his life as none other in the universe. What the priest said made sense and so I determined to do it.

And now, here I am in Maine, and that is one long, interesting story but not for this time. I am presently employed as a Career Counselor for the U.S. Job Corps and have been recently married for a third (and hopefully -- please, please, please Gohonzon -- last) time. I have kept in touch with several Nichiren believers and one of them suggested that I take a look at this BuddhaJones site. I did and I liked it and I asked the editor, Lisa Jones, if she would be interested in publishing anything of mine. She said she would be. I believe she is somewhat familiar with work I did writing for NSA in the seventies and eighties.

So, Lisa is being brave and said she would give me some space here. And I told her that I would like use the site for introducing myself to many, reintroducing myself to some, and kind of filling you in on what has been happening with me over the past three decades not that it is any more interesting than what has happened to any of you. But, if nothing else, I believe my continual morning and evening prayers have turned me into a real and authentic American Buddhist and, as that, I might have some perspectives to share that could prove valuable. Plus writing is a real ego trip.

My plan is to tell you, in this first installment, a bit about myself and I've pretty much done that at least as much as you need know at this point. In the next installment, I'm going to attempt to answer a few very interesting questions that Lisa asked me in the beginning of our correspondence just a few weeks ago. I'm hoping that my answers to those questions might prove enlightening for just a few of you.

Then, with that as the bait, I am going to attempt to entice some of you to read the serialized first draft of a book about Buddhism that I hope to publish. Your response, either in its presence or absence, will then tell me what to do next. I will either become a famous writer or I will continue to help the youth that I work with while cherishing my lovers and friends. Or maybe I will do all three or maybe none of them.

That's the rub, isn't it -- making our dreams come true.

Well, the one thing I know for sure is that one day in 1968, all my dreams did come true as Tucky Bachrach (now known as Jean Rosenberg) taught me the teaching of Nichiren Daishonin.

Just a few rumors over the years that I want to clear upI never, ever stopped chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo to the Gohonzon and I never tried to start my own group, organization or religion.

I believe in the sanctity of the Buddhist sangha (order), which I envision as a dynamic, entropic web of believers with no hierarchy and no dogma. I believe that the religion of Nichiren Daishonin is so powerful that, within the life of each human being it touches, there is the promise of absolute redemption and the guarantee of enlightenment. No person or organization holds the key to that promise and guarantee. The Lotus Sutra assures us that it is something we carry eternally within -- we just need to find it. Nichiren Daishonin provided the light.

Based on these beliefs, I will try to respond to some of the queries Lisa had in an earlier correspondence we had. I have told her that I give her absolute editorial control over what I writeat least in terms of English and grammar and run-on sentences. What appealed to me about this BuddhaJones site was its sense of whimsy and the feeling that it doesn't take itself too seriously.

With all the stodgy seriousness of the academic Buddhist world and the dogmatic posturing of the religious Buddhist world, we Buddhists could all use a few laughs. And, most tragically for those of us in the Nichiren sects, the ugly name-calling and slanderous attacks from so many quarters -- both lay and priestly -- is definitely something from which we must flee. Hate and hostility are not very Buddhist.

So, I find Lisa and her work a little bright spot against the great, gray solemnity of most Buddhist web sites and I am honored she even asked me to participate, let alone actually publish some of my stuff.

I told her that I would try to end some of these installments like the cliffhanger on a Saturday matinee serial, so here goes.

In the next installment, I will address issues such as:

• What is the basis in Nichiren Buddhism for Mentor (Master?)/Disciple. Who exactly would that be?

• What is itai doshin (unity)?

• What is a Nichiren Buddhist approach to understanding the nature of life? (Oh, that one will take some work).

I hope some of you will return to read what I think. I say that because I want the feedback, not because I want you going, "Oh wow, that guy is great." To tell the truth, I don't know what or who I am, but I do know this: I love to write, I feel like I have something to say, and the only thing I want in this life is for people to truly discover the remarkable "do-it-yourself" kit that Nichiren Daishonin left behind.