Spiritual seekers are vulnerable. We're generally open to new ideas and experiences. When I encountered the practice of chanting many years ago, I embraced it without question. I chanted. I started to notice a difference in my life. I opened up more and more.

If there's one mistake I made in those early days, it was to confuse the practice of chanting with the organization that promoted the practice of chanting.
I was taught that the organization was central to my practice. I trusted and believed what I was told.

It took me many years to "unlearn" this bit of nonsense and extricate myself from this organization. I wish I had known more about the dynamics and tactics of emotional manipulation. If I had, maybe I wouldn't have been so easily swayed.

I'm writing this series on spiritual self-defense in the hope of making younger people aware of emotional manipulation. It can be surprisingly hard to identify until you are in a pickle.

Getting in a Pickle

In a relationship, you know what it's like to feel a subtle attack on our spirit. You feel drained, as if someone or something is sapping your energy. You sense that something's "a little off," not quite right. You might feel bad, confused, dissatisfied or downright irritable, and not know why.

If the relationship is with someone who obviously intends you no good, your self-protective response arises quite naturally.

Think of the competitive co-worker who trash-talks you to your boss and fellow co-workers. Think of the jerk -- the friend-of-a-friend, the guy you can't stand -- who constantly belittles and one-ups you every time you talk to him. You grin and bear it when you must. But for the most part, you want to avoid these folks if you can. You just naturally keep them at arm's length and view them with some suspicion.

In the case of a romantic relationship, it's more complicated.

Let's say you meet a fantastic new person. You've been hoping to find a partner. You're open to love and everything that goes with it. You and your new friend seem made for each other. Everything's right with the world.

As time goes by, you notice things that bother you. You dismiss your feelings. You remind yourself that no one is perfect. Every potential mate has foibles and flaws.

Eventually, the things that bother you become harder to dismiss. For example, your friend likes to disrupt private meetings of a rival religious organization. Your friend is cagey about how much he or she makes, where the money comes from, and how it's spent. Your friend ardently admires an authority figure with whom you're not particularly impressed, yet you keep your doubts to yourself because you're sick of arguing about it with your friend. He or she is stridently dogmatic at times, and it makes you uncomfortable.

Your family and other friends don't like your new love interest. They think he or she is controlling. You're being taken for granted. You're the one who always has to compromise for the sake of keeping the peace.

Your love partner talks a good game about how you're the center of the universe. He or she tells everyone who'll listen how wonderful you are. But his or her lofty rhetoric never translates into to actually treating you as an equal partner.

This person may even warn you of grave consequences that will befall you if you end the relationship.

It could be worse -- you're not being physically abused, after all. You wonder: "Have I set the bar so low for the quality of my relationships that 'no physical abuse' is seen as a bonus rather than a given?"

Things seem to get better for a while, but then they get worse. You suspect you're being lied to or strung along with empty promises. Your partner seems to be speaking a completely different language.

You're in a pickle now. You love this person. He or she swears to love you, too. You've invested time and emotion. You feel obligated. You've made promises and commitments. Besides, you still have good times together. It's not all doom and gloom.

There are no literal chains or prison bars holding you in the relationship, yet you feel trapped.

Don't Ignore the Warning Signs

Many Nichiren Buddhists eventually find themselves in a pickle when they get involved with the Bowling Club. In this type of relationship, your choices are few:

- Resign yourself to the situation and put an optimistic (or pessimistic) spin on everything.

- Grit your teeth and hope that everything will change, somehow, by magical means rather than by mutually-embraced hard work. (Nothing's mutual about your relationship -- if the relationship is going to be repaired, you're the one who has to make it happen.)

- Leave and start anew somewhere else or with someone else.

Leaving is extraordinarily difficult for reasons I will talk about in a later installment.

Ideally, you might wish you had never gotten so deeply involved with such an organization in the first place.

There are warning signs, but you have to be willing to see them. In the flush of new love, it's common to overlook glaring problems that will lead to trouble in the future.

Questions to ask:

- Does the group have a history of insulting, harassing or intimidating critics and former members?

- Does the group hide or fail to disclose information about its finances and expenditures?

- Does the group expect members to trust leaders and leadership decisions without allowing members to vote or have any real say in the group's policies and activities?

- Does the group claim to be the sole pathway to truth, happiness or enlightenment, telling members that they need the group -- and only "treacherous ingrates" or "people of weak faith" ever leave the group?

- Does the group ever shun or discipline members for freely expressing their own thoughts, experiences and ideas?

- Do you feel drained, exhausted or irritable because of your involvement with the group?

If the answer to any of these questions is yes, be alert. These are signs that the group is emotionally manipulative. No matter what a group says about itself, emotional manipulation of members is a sure sign that the group does not value or support your spiritual growth and autonomy.

You have a right to protect your own vulnerable, trusting, seeking spirit. You have a right to decline membership and participation in a manipulative group. Pull back. Run away. Find a different group. Don't let yourself be sweet-talked or pressured into a relationship.

When I first started to chant, I wish someone had told me that involvement with the Bowling Club is not the same as practicing Buddhism. It's not. So I'm telling you.

In my next installment, I will write more about the tactics of emotional manipulation.