Kathy, I’m not certain you were inviting any dialogue, and obviously you don’t believe you need any advice. So my comments are not necessarily meant for you, but for other SGI members who I'm confident share your opinions.

I love to criticize, and I believe this is a strength and a weakness. It seems to come naturally. I cannot remember when I actually cultivated a critical attitude; it has always been a part of me. So, for many, many years, I suffered internal conflict because I couldn’t stop my critical thought. And, since criticism is definitely not acceptable in the SGI, I was not only always in conflict, I felt really bad. Because of my critical nature, I was despised by almost every single member in the Denver SGI for the first l2 years of my practice.

In spite of my desperate prayer, my critical thoughts did not abate. I exerted intense effort. I chanted countless hours for years -- not days, weeks or months, but years. This was not easy since I was so out of step with the local SGI organization. I worked hard at sustaining my connection to my district and my leaders, even writing an occasional letter to President Ikeda.

My criticisms were the usual stuff, nothing remarkably insightful. The members here in Denver must have been planting flowers with you, Kathy, because they definitely NEVER listened. And, because my critical nature made them so uncomfortable, they never invited me to work on a crew, sing in a group, meet a visiting member, work on President Ikeda’s visit, etcetera.

"What was she doing to make everyone shun her?" you might ask. Well, I criticized but I never raised my voice. I always contributed money to the SGI. I attended every meeting scheduled. I tried to not respond to insulting remarks or behaviors directed at me, although they were frequent. I sincerely did my best to practice Buddhism.

At the same time, I criticized whatever I felt it was appropriate to criticize: No change in leadership in 20 years, secret meetings, senior male leaders sleeping around, married senior leaders openly cheating on spouses, no regular study, the dominance of the Japanese mindset, the recent emphasis on youth above all else, and President Ikeda’s (non) leadership.

Sometimes I would point out the explosive growth of other schools of Buddhism and yoga in the US, and voice my observation that the American people are seeking, but the SGI is just ducking.

For a long time, my chapter leader and his friend chanted for me to go away. I created my own district, which became official after about four years. I went on home visits daily for years, spending hours with the mentally ill, drug addicted and violent members whom other people didn't want to visit.

The main thing is: No one made me feel welcome in the SGI, but I never left the organization. I actually enjoyed most of my practice. I read the Gosho and believed I was living my mission. This was almost enough for me.

In other words, Kathy, I have proven that I am "willing to get dirty with the rest...and work hard," as you put it. Therefore, perhaps you'll admit that I do have some credibility for giving advice.

Over the past few years, I realized the organization was not meeting my needs. My take on the situation was sort of a law of diminishing returns. My chapter leaders never called me, I called them. They were never available to support members in crisis, or any other time (although I admit that some members were almost always in crisis).

I was working hard to support an organization that wasn't supporting me at all. I was doing everything the "SGI way," but I decided it was time to do it my way.

I joke about it now: I'm extraordinarily happy and successful today...in spite of the SGI!

I still haven't left the SGI, but I'm happy with my relationships in the organization. I never attend kosen-rufu gongyo meetings (the forced cheerfulness depresses me), but I do attend the meetings of a district I selected. I rarely interact with members. I study the Lotus Sutra with a senior leader a couple times a month. I insisted on these study sessions when the leadership in Denver refused to develop our study program. (See how difficult I am?) And I have a monthly dinner with our women's division leader.

Of course, I do two gongyo ceremonies a day and chant an average of 30 minutes a day. I read the Gosho and everything SGI, IRG, Nichiren Shu and Nichiren Shoshu say. And I am addicted to BuddhaJones!

In one sense, my years of effort and experience within the SGI have earned me the right to criticize the organization. But in a larger sense, everyone has the right to criticize SGI. I believe that the SGI should welcome criticism from any corner.

Nichiren was very critical. And angry! He was not politically correct. He did not believe that everything he saw was just as it should be. He frequently and vocally objected a lot. It is a Japanese cultural value to abstain from criticism -- and SGI's emphasis on not criticizing
is a Japanese cultural value, not a tenet of Nichiren Buddhism.

Kathy, I know there are many members who can relate to your early experience with the SGI and the tendency to believe they just can’t win. But I'm living proof that a person can be critical and win in life.

Hope is everywhere, and so is critical thought.

I just wouldn’t look first for either in the SGI.

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Jan Tyler has been chanting without ceasing for l6 years. She "gets it" -- most of the time -- and if she doesn’t, she chants about it.