BuddhaJones participant Kathy Sain, known by the handle "Armchair," took her own life earlier this month.
Her obituary is here. A member of SGI posted an announcement here.
Kathy's last major post on this site was Shakyamuni and Mara. In the comments to that post, the subject of suicide was brought up in passing.
Armchair wrote: "...Nichiren's life was certainly no picnic. It is no mystery to me why, when he had solidified the future with his followers, he got the hell out of this life at 61. Enough awready."
Buddhajones replied: "...I don't know that Nichiren bailed out of life at 61 because he just couldn't take it anymore. I don't think that's an accurate characterization. He wrote so often of his joy in life, his gratitude for his existence in this world, and the beauty of this world despite its ugliness. I mean, it's not as if he committed suicide or something."
Armchair's last comment on this site was in a thread about the death of Alexis Cohen. Armchair wrote: "Dear Brooke, Do you really think this person 'embraced the Lotus Sutra'? From what I have seen of the videos, I was really not left with that impression."
I responded: "Chanting the daimoku of the Lotus Sutra is to embrace the Lotus Sutra. Isn't that the teaching of Nichiren Buddhism? I wouldn't judge by appearances and superficial behavior. In the Lotus Sutra, even Devadatta and evil people attain Buddhahood. Buddhahood is not just for goody-goody nice people. These teachings are why the Lotus Sutra is so revolutionary, and so maligned."
Armchair, I am sorry you left us. I'm sorry that you decided "enough awready." There was so much more to say and do, but perhaps you felt that you had completed your mission. I'm judgmental, I admit, and I am trying not to judge you for your choice.
I really did mean what I said to you about not judging by superficial behavior. Killing yourself is not exactly superficial behavior. At the same time, I also do not see how such an act would change your Buddha nature. You still have Buddhahood, Kathy. I guess I have this hope that somehow, even though you are dead, you're not gone -- it's like you're just in a different room of the house.
From what you wrote on this site, I know you were deeply troubled by the cruelty you saw in this life, and were hurt by some of the crappy treatment you experienced in your Buddhist practice and online participation. This is, indeed, a hard, pitiless world. But it is also the land of eternal, tranquil light. Paradox. Myoho.
I seriously hope, now that you have crossed to the far shore, you can be at peace with the paradox and mystery of life. I hope you have found some sort of redemption for your effort and struggle. Be well, my friend. May we meet again on the path.
15 comments
I didn't know Kathy and Archair were the same person. I didn't know Kathy very well but I appreciated her poetry. This is one she sent me.It's about a meeting between Nichiren and one of his enemies, I forget who she said it was.I'm very sorry to hear of her passing. She seemed a person sensitive to the pain of others, I had no idea she was in such pain herself.I grieve the loss of love and talent. Ode to one's "enemy"Come Life is About out very what of difficult, is essentialthe isn't regardingrain, it, dedicatingyou and one'sare hard life.suffering to and understand, Please,tired. even don'tI have with bea fire a fierce cold.and andit's goodwarm heart.in here - Wouldalso, yousome carefine tosake, joinshould me?you Wecare canfor talkit. aboutI suchmight things,have Come in.some,too.
Ode to one's "enemy" Come out the rain, you suffering and tired. I have a fire in hereand it's warm in here-also, some fine sake,should you care for it.I might have some too.Life is very difficult,isn't it,and hard to understand,even with a fierce and good heart.Would you care to join me?We can talk about such things,About what isessential regardingdedicating one's life.Please don't be coldCome in.
I too am saddened to hear this news. Kathy made many contributions to the dialogue about Nichiren Buddhism. To see all of her posts here, please visit this link:http://www.buddhajones.com/use...In particular, however, I am struck by this discussion that became rather heated:http://www.buddhajones.com/dia...Armchair was experiencing retaliation from SGI for participating here. I agree with posters who said SGI is an abusive sangha, but reading the discussion over again, I feel sad. I did not intervene with gentler words.I did not know Kathy personally. Members of her SGI sangha did know her, however. Were they "there" for her? Where are they now?I remember the heartbreak of realizing that I had been a devoted member of a religious organization that was, essentially, a scam. I had not devoted 38 years of my life to it, however. Kathy had. She wrote of feeling spiritually murdered by her so-called sangha. She was also dealing, apparently, with some psychological issues of her own.I find it tragic that she did not (could not?) find the support she needed. Her death, and her troubled relationship with Nichiren Buddhism and those of us who practice it ---- tragic. I don't know what else to say.
I had guessed Kathy & Armchair were the same person. It is sad that SGI was evidently not there for her.
I hate to have to comment because of bad circumstances, but I feel I must.Life in all its forms are beautiful. There is no ugly form of life because even the ugliest ones are beautiful in the work they do for the environment. Life itself can be hard for humans because we make it hard. We bring suffering on ourselves, whereas a cockroach brings none. But what is suffering but an idea formed in our own mind? Granted, physical suffering can be difficult to endure, but loneliness, depression, lack of self esteem, and other forms of suffering are born in our own minds. Understand that we as humans have the greatest potential for enlightenment as well as the greatest potential for suffering solely due to our own minds, and we need to realize that there is nothing there to really worry about. Life changes with every moment and as long as we practice and endure our circumstances will change for the better. It is endurance that defines the person, no matter the circumstances, so "strive on" as the Buddha and Nichiren both said!
On what do you base the allegation that Kathy Sain "took her own life"? I am told by someone who knew her that is not true. Thanks in advance for the information that supports your claim.
It was a member of SGI who knew Kathy who first posted on a public message board that it was suicide. Since you are obviously closer to the situation than any of us, maybe you can get a copy of the coroner report.
I'm stunned about Kathy's death. I'm not quite sure what to say. If she did not "take her own life," I do not want this site to perpetuate an ugly SGI rumor. If she did kill herself, that's something we have to come to terms with.On Monday, I will contact the coroner's office in Whitman County, Washington, which is where she died, as far as I know. I will ask about the official cause of death. This information should be public record.I think it's important to get the facts in this matter.Other than that, I'm still processing all this.Kathy, Kathy, Kathy.
Wow, so many nasty rumors about Kathy from people who claim to be Buddhists??? Kathy did not intentionally take her own life. She accidentally (it is thought by her friends who knew her) took a combination of drugs that killed her -- a "Heath Ledger cocktail," if you will. She had been prescribed numerous different medications. She took some, sat down at her computer to type some benign piece, got sleepy, laid down on her couch and went to sleep and never woke up. She was in good mental health at the time, in touch with her SGI friends (who supported her no matter what she was going through). Further, she left no note and no provisions for her beloved cats. I would not call that suicide. I would call that an accident. Further, when she was taking her meds, her SGI friends supported her, and when she wasn't, and had uncharacteristic thoughts and wrote angry words, they still supported her and sooner or later she would start taking her meds again and come back to her own self. She never left the SGI. Her obituary mentioned a church and not the SGI because her sister wrote it and her sister does not like the SGI. Shame on those of you who don't get your facts straight before posting such terrible rumors on the Internet as factg, and turn this into something even more unfortunate that it really was. That is slander to Kathy's life and the loved ones she left behind. Does that make you feel good about yourselves? You should be writing for the National Enquirer, not on a Buddhist board. -haiko
I talked to people who knew her well instead of posting ugly rumors about her -- or believing them -- on the Internet first. If you need a coroner's report, get it yourself. haiko
Oh, I see. You know the "facts" because your SGI "friends" told them to you. I'll wait for the coroner's report.BTW, it was SGI member Diana Elrod who posted publically that she knew Kathy and her death was thought to be suicide.Are you feeling just a little bit guilty, haiko, about Kathy's death? According to Kathy, SGI members and leaders treated her poorly. One time she wrote of SGI leaders: "I must threaten them so badly what they committed or tried to, was spiritual murder."What's truly ugly is not Kathy's death, or how she died. Suicide or not, everyone on this board is sorrowful. Even me. And I was never a fan of Armchair's posts.What's truly ugly is the way SGI treated Kathy -- and many, many other members -- too many to count. True to form as a Gakkai rat, here you are, doing the SGI's dirty work, slamming Kathy's sister, slamming us because we expressed our sadness and dismay at her passing.No wonder Kathy's loved ones felt it was inappropriate to state her unfortunate SGI affiliation in her obituary. You SGI zealots are nothing but hateful, hurtful ghouls.
You mean they should have treated her like you did, mroaks? "You want everyone to say awwww Poor Noble Armchair your complaints are so compassionate. Count me out of your pity party. You complain about everyones terrible lack of compassion? How about I complain about your terrible lack of wisdom."
Hello, haiko. Do I understand you? Are you saying that my post slanders Kathy's life and spreads ugly rumors about her? If that is what you are saying, you are mistaken. I do not know where you got your story of Kathy's final hours but it feels to me like you are trying to do some sort of damage control. About what, I do not know. You wrote, "She took some, sat down at her computer to type some benign piece, got sleepy, laid down on her couch and went to sleep and never woke up." How can anyone possibly know this? Please understand that your account is no more factual than those who say she took her own life.If your intent is to defend Kathy by chiding me for mourning her passing, regardless of the cause of her death, I wonder why you chose to air dirty laundry and rumors about her moods, medication use, sister, and the like. I think it's odd. I'm not your enemy. I'm not Kathy's enemy. I feel that I do not deserve to be the target of your anger.
Haiko obviously feels very strongly about the allegation that Kathy took her own life. That does not make her a "Gakkai rat." You should be ashamed of leaping to that wildly incorrect conclusion. Nor did Haiko slam anyone for expressing sadness and dismay. Haiko clearly was objecting only to the premature allegation of suicide. It would be good if you would read carefully and reflect before leaping to slanderous conclusions. Your distaste for the Gakkai is clearly warping your thinking.
Just to let you know, I did call the Whitman County Coroner today but was unable to speak with him. The woman who answered the phone said she was filling in for the regular admin and was not sure where I could get a copy of Kathy's death certificate. I left a message for the coroner to call me back. I will follow up again later if necessary.Kathy's obit does not state her cause of death. Her death was announced on the SGI-member message board on yahoo, and no one there has contradicted the assertion that Kathy committed suicide.Still, I'd like to get the official word, especially since it has become a point of contention here. But, really, how can anyone know beyond doubt whether a self-administered drug overdose was accidental or intentional, or a devilish bit of both? And, really, what difference does it make? Point is, she's gone.Brooke, I thought your post was nice. I don't think you're slandering Kathy's life.