Some part of your mind knows that you should walk away from the relationship. You know it's in your own best interest to move on. Perhaps you've tried to walk away, but you keep getting drawn in again and again.
I'm not talking about a romance. I'm referring to a relationship with a self-serving religious organization. But the dynamic is similar, based on bonds of the heart, which can be difficult to disentangle.
It's perhaps easier to walk away when you've been soundly rejected. Your "lover" no longer wants anything to do with you -- you have no choice but to be strong and get on with your life.
It's perhaps easier to walk away when it becomes clear that your "lover" has betrayed you. He or she is keeping important information from you, or behaving disrespectfully toward you, to the point where your self-esteem is injured. Self-protection and survival instincts kick in, and you extricate yourself from the situation as quickly as possible.
Or you rationalize and deny. Because you love your "lover" you come up with excuses for his or her bad behavior. You have clear insight that the relationship is not good for you, but you stay anyway. "I need this person" -- that's a powerful motive for staying. More powerful and more difficult for Bodhisattvas to disengage is the motive: "This person needs me."
I will deal with the question of need in a later installment. In this piece, I would like to explore the reasons why it can be hard to stay away from a "bad" relationship once we have ended it. Why do some of us keep going back for more when we know the relationship can never be fulfilling for us?
1. Life is scary. Nothing is certain in this world. We don't know what tomorrow holds. In some ways, "the devil we know" is more attractive and comforting than the unknown. Even though the relationship had its problems, it did afford a sense of security and familiarity. When we try to move boldly into the future on our own terms, we lose our nerve. We long for the relative comfort of the old relationship. We go back to the old relationship out of insecurity -- even though we know, deep down, the relationship is not what we truly want.
2. It's depressing to end a relationship, especially if it has been part of your life for a long time. If the relationship was central to your personal identity, you might feel overwhelmed with a sense of meaninglessness. You might regret your "lost years." Self-esteem might be at an all-time low when you think back on how you were "used." Going back to the old relationship is a way of saying: "No, this relationship wasn't a mistake after all. I did not waste my years. This time I will try harder. Somehow, it will be different. The relationship will work this time." It is in our nature, perhaps, to want to squander further goodwill on a bad situation in the hope that we can correct a past mistake.
3. Loneliness can be unbearable. Leaving the relationship can mean leaving your erstwhile friends, family and emotional support network behind. You might feel that there is no one to talk to who really understands you and what you're going through. It will be a matter of time, of course, before you can develop new friendships and sources of support. This period can be so painfully lonely that it breaks you. It's too hard to keep in mind that you have a happy future in front of you -- you need it to show up instantly and automatically. You might try desperately to get your old relationship back out of pure, excruciating loneliness. You pick up the phone, not necessarily meaning to revive the relationship, but you can't stop thinking about what you left behind....
4. Explaining yourself is awkward. People in your life might say, "I knew all along that the relationship was bad for you. I told you. I don't understand why you stayed so long." You might not know why you stayed so long, either. Emotional manipulation can be devastatingly subtle. It's hard to explain the dictates of one's heart, even when there were obvious misgivings in one's head. It can be tempting to resume the relationship just to silence the questions from others, and from yourself.
5. You are looking for mystical signs and answers. When we are raw after a break up and its attendant emotional upheaval, we might find ourselves looking for "signs." For example, we might run into our "ex" unexpectedly and be happy to see each other. we might interpret this as a sign that we need to get back together. We might be invited to an activity that rekindles our interest in the relationship. It all seems as if the "universe" is "telling us" the relationship is "meant to be." This magical interpretation is tempting but fundamentally childish. As adults, we make choices and live with the consequences. We cannot foist responsibility for our choices on what we imagine the "universe is telling us." Still, being Bodhisattvas attuned to the mystical, we might go back to the old relationship, convincing ourselves that we have no choice.
I hope that my analogy is clear. Leaving a cherished sangha is as hard as leaving a cherished lover, even if you are aware that the relationship is in some way harmful for you.
It can take years of back-and-forth and gradual steps before you can break free. Please don't lose heart. Maintain your faith in yourself. Listen to and honor yourself, even if others "don't get it."
6 comments
Hi Auntie -May I offer this?My big breakthrough came when I successfully separated the concept of "the lover" from the concept of "loving" to use your analogy. If "loving" is inextricably linked to one "lover" then to leave that lover is to stop loving. I had to separate the idea of practicing Buddhism from the idea of practicing with a particular group. Once I understood that those two things were not synonymous but different concepts, I had the conceptual framework to be able to make choices for myself.Hope this is helpful.
I want to add something about the nature of forgiveness. Even if you feel that you got totally screwed over in a relationship -- and even if some of your friends tell you that you have every reason to be pissed off or hold a grudge -- the only way to heal is to forgive. By forgiveness, I mean totally letting the other person off the hook. (As JaiGohonzon said, take total responsibility.) That means no blame, no recrimination.Sure, it "takes two to tango." But if you want to move on, you can't wait for an apology or for the other person to suddenly see the error of his or her ways. You just have to take the karma -- all of it -- and run it through the Gohonzon filtration system, so to speak. Can you change the karma? Hell yes! But you have to take it upon yourself. Feeling confident that you can handle the situation spiritually on your own gives your self-esteem a big boost.Mind you, the goal is to heal -- helping all beings (including yourself and your ex, etc.) to heal and be free from suffering. That's the karma you're changing -- the karma of this acute brand of break-up suffering. You're not changing karma to fulfill an agenda such as, "If he or she stops suffering, he or she will love me." That's bogus compassion because it's dripping with self-interested craving.Total Responsibility Forgiveness (TRF!) is hard work, and I'm no expert. But when I chant this way, I feel my heart un-clenching and untangling. When I dwell on hurt or sadness, I actually feel tightness in my chest, and I'm sure it's my heart constricting.I guess you could say, then, that TRF is ultimately a self-interested way to chant because it feels better (more authentic, more empowering) than shooting bullets of pain and despair in the direction of another person.Heh. I really went off, didn't I? This is a timely post for me, Auntie.
Engyo, your comment helps me. Thank you!
Dear Beryl,This comment of yours stirred me, especially in light of another recent one you posted about "anything goes?" and how not only can chanters direct their chanting to destroy a person but even some groups extole that way of cursing people as meritious. I didn't know that this happened for sure but recently wrote someone to be careful about maintaining a high profile since I intuitively knew it would work if used negatively and given that, some one or group would inevitably use it to curse.I have a strong sense that one of the most powerful ways we can protect ourselves from negative chanting (and other negativity sources originating both internally as well as those external to ourselves) is precisely Radical FORGIVENESS as you presented it in your above comment. I have sensed around your words and can't find any crack through which negative chanting directed at someone can slip if the person toward whom the curse flows keeps his or her heart light by forgiveness and joyful chanting. Joy, a light heart, feels impervious to all sorts of direct or random attacks or environmental grimness. There is an old Chinese saying, "Keep the green tree in your heart and the singing bird may come."When we write about "Spiritual Protection," Radical Forgiveness and ethical practice can be seen as the ne plus ultra of protection.I have archived your comment because I find it most uplifting. Thank you.Jai
Saw these two posts over at the Sangha for Independents message board. Stretching your analogy, Auntie, but these posts seem apropos.
Also, this from Ryuei:Yes! Weren't those great, clear and sane posts? They really impressed me as did Robin who added his voice after Rev. Jill and Rev. Ryuei and gave the original poster excellent advice and two links (one his, one Ryuei's). I've archived the whole conversation :)Jai