February marks my thirtieth year of Buddhist faith, practice, and study. For the first ten years, I ran at breakneck speed, assimilating every bit of experience possible, challenging every aspect of my life. The second ten years I probed the depths of chanting, faith, and fusing with the Gohonzon. The third ten years I concentrated on study not just skimming through our publications or even our own Buddhism but exhaustive, comprehensive research. Now that a new decade of practice is about to dawn for me, I found myself confronted with some perplexing questions and feelings. Let me explain.

As an NSA member, I learned seven major ideas along with numerous supportive ones. These tenets were engraved into the very fabric of my life.

1. Nam-myoho-renge-kyo is the Mystic Law of the universe.
2. The Gohonzon is absolute it is our faith that is relative
3. Nichiren Daishonin is the true Buddha of Mappo
4. We believers of (NSA/SGI) are the Bodhisattvas of the Earth
5. President Ikeda is my/our master in life
6. We should protect the priesthood with our lives
7. The Soka Gakkai is more important than my own life

We youth division were taught to be fearless like the lion king. Because the teachings of Nichiren were so far superior to anything I had ever encountered, I accepted and assimilated all doctrine, dogma, organizational directives, and personal guidance without much question or pause. For me it was always chant first, practice first, and study first. I never thought to question first.

Now, at the end of my second decade, I have developed serious concerns and questions about our motives, our means, and, yes, concerns about our core doctrines. In the past, when these red-flags would pop up, I would mentally squelch them because that meant that I had doubts. Wasnt I supposed to be practicing doubt free faith? Wasnt doubt free faith the key to attaining Buddhahood according to Shakyamuni and Nichiren?

Regarding matters of doctrine, I do believe that Nam-myoho-renge-kyo is the Mystic Law of the universe, and I also believe that the Gohonzon is the mandala to quicken our attainment of Buddhahood, even though Nichiren wrote that all one had to do is chant. I also believe that Nichiren was a great man a Buddha. But what honorific titles and achievements were added posthumously? No matter what the truth is, it will not affect my faith in the Lotus Sutra or my mission to propagate Nam-myoho-renge-kyo.

Call me a late boomer, but I became conflicted when I could find no reference by Nichiren himself, in his writings that he inscribed the Dai-Gohonzon or that he is the true Buddha, we his followers claim him to be. He never made that claim, to my knowledge. I was told that he did not do so because of the time he was living in. If someone can show me the exact line and verse from the Gosho or the orally transmitted teachings where Nichiren states that he is the true Buddha, I will feel much better. In Nichirens writings he stressed that we should rely on the scriptures and not on the commentaries of others. For this reason, it is vital that I read his own words stating that He inscribed the Dai-Gohonzon and that He is the true Buddha of Mappo. The words and opinions of successors will not do!

Its not like I havent deeply studied the Lotus Sutra and Gosho I have. I know that Shakyamuni revealed that He was the Buddha and the next Buddha would be his disciple, Maitreya (Ajita). I suppose that some experts might conjecture that Shakyamuni was saying Maitreya was the next Buddha to appear in this world from his disciples, then and there not really the next Buddha to actually appear. Nowhere in the Lotus Sutra have I read that Bodhisattva Superior Practices was actually the true Buddha it isnt even implied. Shakyamuni simply stated that the next Buddha to succeed him was Maitreya, some 5,670 million years later. Thats not exactly the fifth five-hundred year period after his death. Obviously we pick what we need to prove our case and play down the rest. It is in the commentaries of the Nichiren Shoshu tradition and later the Soka Gakkai that asserts that Nichiren is the true Buddha and that he inscribed the Dai-Gohonzon.

It is very troubling for me to have served Nichiren Buddhism for thirty years and be conflicted in this fundamental way. What other teachings seem to be on shaky ground? I am also troubled about the Buddhism of the Sowing and the Buddhism of the Harvest as taught in the SGI. We contradict ourselves. In the Lotus Sutra it is stated that the Bodhisattvas of the Earth were taught by Shakyamuni in the remote past and have a connection with the Lotus Sutra. In the Gosho, Nichiren asserts that those who embrace his teachings have a connection to it from the remote past. However, in study material from the SGI-USA study committee issued just a couple of years ago, they were still asserting that we have no connection to this teaching and discovered it for the first time in this life, which even contradicts President Ikedas own statements in the Selected Lectures on the Gosho, our study material for the advanced examination. The Nichiren Shoshu priesthood told us that we could no longer call ourselves Bodhisattvas of the Earth because that was arrogant and we do not have a connection to the Gohonzon except for the first time in this life. We in the SGI were then forced to refer to ourselves as followers or the Bodhisattvas of the Earth. Someone is full of sacred cow crap up to their Ajna chakra.

What does it matter? This is the point Ive reached: I just dont know if Nichiren inscribed the Dai-Gohonzon and if He is the true Buddha of Mappo. All I do know for sure is that chanting makes me feel great and that Im a Buddha. What bothers me is that I just believed all the legends and doctrines without question. Does that make me a gullible fool, a victim, or Bodhisattva-Buddha who finally learned the truth after agonizing over his faith?

Regarding the other tenets listed above, I do believe that President Ikeda has been my master in life I just dont agree with everything he says or does. For example, I would like to know how he earns his money. Are his many writings donated to the SGI or does he write his works, sell them to a captive audience of millions, have them endlessly publicized in our papers and magazines, and then earn royalties? Does he draw a responsible salary? Is he wealthy from his writings or position? No one really knows. I would be crushed in spirit if my hero, President Ikeda, were getting rich from Buddhism. Weve accused Nikken and the priests of living the high life and yet we have done nothing in the way of our own financial disclosure. We deserve to know if our devotion is pure or if were a bunch of suckers. Members have always been forbidden from using the organization to enrich themselves and no one should. This applies especially to the top guy who weve placed our complete trust in.

As far as protecting the priesthood with our lives well, I guess that went down the crapper. However, we seem to have invested an insane amount of effort and time in trying to win back a few members here in the US that stayed with the priests. In my area here in Champaign-Urbana, Illinois, about 160 mi. south of Chicago, there are about four or five elderly Japanese women who staunchly remain temple members. They have received visits from an SGI vice president, a reformist priest, Mr. Williams, and many others. What I have noticed is this: if you stayed with the temple, the SGI will go to great lengths to win you back. If you are a long practicing member in the SGI who has a serious problem with the organization, tough shit, youre on your own. At least thats how I see it.

The final point that the Soka Gakkai is more important than my own life is a trick concept. We begin to border on cult status when we use the Lotus Sutra or dharma of Nam-myoho-renge-kyo interchangeably with the Soka Gakkai. I believe that the Mystic Law is my life and vise-versa. The Soka Gakkai is supposed to be the vehicle for transmitting the Law and giving a framework to our Buddhist movement. SGI is a living thing, because we give it life not the other way around. I would gladly give my life for a noble cause whether its defending my family, my pets, my country, my religion, or even a stranger. Yes, the SGI and the Buddhist movement are important. I would give my life for the Mystic Law without hesitation. I just dont want to be fooled, lied to, or deceived in the name of faith. My personal vow is to work tirelessly, in my own way, to spread the Mystic Law throughout the world. My promise to you and the Buddha is to expose unscrupulous people that would exploit our Buddhism for their own selfish gain or distort the teachings of the Buddha to control the minds of the faithful.

What I have learned as I approach my third decade is this: Doubt free faith means doubt free faith in the Lotus Sutra. It does not mean to look the other way at organizational injustices and improprieties. It does not mean blindly accepting doctrine derived from priestly or lay commentaries. It means trusting the words of the Buddha Himself. Knowing that, I approach my third decade with deep appreciation for the wisdom of the Buddha and the Mystic Law he left behind for us. Today, I can honestly state that I am happier and more fortunate than at any other time in my life. How is this possible if I seem to have veered from the supposed mainstream? Its because I am directly connected to Mystic Law. If theres one lesson Ive learned its this: Ask the big questions. Go directly to the Lotus Sutra and the Gosho. Dont be mindlessly compliant.